I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
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