I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
