is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
