I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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