maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
