Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
