My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
