Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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