You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
