Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
