I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
