also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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