I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
