I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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