How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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