No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
