Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
