I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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