I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's blow job season.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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