Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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