So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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