he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
