I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
