Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
