I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
