I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
