the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
