it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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