I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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