I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
