I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
