The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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