then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
