I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
