Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
