I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
