i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
