I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i've created a new STD.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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