He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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