hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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