You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
