I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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