Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”