Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
