Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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