Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
