i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
you never un-have a 4some
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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