I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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