Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
