I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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