Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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