The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
