Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
