i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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