You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Your cock deserves a montage
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
