"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
kristin has been a bad kristin
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She told me I should be a condom model.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
