Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
