Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?