listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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